*A lot has changed since my last post. I just haven't had time to set my head straight and start writting again, which is what I need due to recent facts that have changed my life completely.
I spent 3 months in Israel, not finding myself... More like chasing myself. It was beautiful, the most amazing sunsets I've ever seen in my life. So many colours in one sky. After that I'm nost scared of sunsets anymore. In December a really good friend told me that he ahd found love... I felt so decivied and at the same time determined, I spend 2 days locked in a room with my music, my cigarrettes and a couple of drinks, everything that reminded me of him. I got back home determined to find love, instead I got married to a guy, named Guy. To let my parents sleep at night, in a way, knowing that there's a document that provides me permission to sleep with a man in the same bed. That's when I saw him for who he was... I was a bit more deceived from my life. I went on with it because romans used to say that all roads lead to Rome, in my life the saying goes a bit different, something that I will explain later on.
We were heading to Atlanta,GA, where we were suposed to work for a few months to then move to NYC for me to study. But life finds ways to screw with your mind when you don't follow what your heart truly desires. A few weeks after we got established, a fire got into our apartment and burnt my life... All my clothing, all my memories, all my money, my drawings, my documents... Everything (except my passport), I got home that night after work and found ruins on what used to be my bedrooms. Everything went downhill afterwards, I was fucking up at work, I was lying to my parents. My friend the one I talked before finally understood that I was really married and made a scene, which made my world crumble at the moment. So, facing all that destruction, when I realized that I had nothing to fight for in that hole, when my so called husband was taking the boss' side over me... Saying that I wasn't making money because I didn't want, everythign became clear. So I started following my heart.
I knew I was getting fired sooner or later, but I wanted to work a lot to pay myself for a ticket to London to meet the friend. But at work things were so messed up that I wasn't managing to get enough money to sustain myself. I was talking on the phone with him daydreaming about going over, with no real intentions or means to go over. I started writting him a letter, in a way to convince myself that I was somewhere else, with someone else. Then sitting in the foodcourt at the mall someone handed me a CD, Zero 7, his favorite. Everything made sense then. When the time came, I told the boss to send me to London for a month or so, to clear my mind from the shock of the fire, convincing him that by the time I came back I would be determined to work. All lies.
I got to London in a rainy day, as soon as I saw him time stopped, and the sun came out. I thought that only happened in movies, but it happened to me, so I guess it's real. I saw it in his eyes... We felt so many different feelings simultaneusly, it was breathtaking, I never felt like hat in my whole life. And right there I learnt he hadn't either. When we got to his house the letter I had sent was waiting for us at the door. We spent the most amazing time of our lives together, but when everything is too perfect and you're way too happy, someone or something always finds a way to fuck it all up, specially selfishness from a third party.
So now, I'm back home where I started, I spent around $15,000 dollars on my tiny trips around the world, and some hospital-hopping I did for a while. But no matter what happens, I know in the end all the roads lead to him. To finish what I started in a good way, not rushed beacause everything got dodgy, or sad, or angry. He showed me what I'm really worth and what I'm capable of doing with my life, he's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. But if that doesn't happen, I'll always have music to remind me of the better days... [Behold 'those' days]
As for me, I'm starting to get back on track with the university, I'm deciding wether to stay here or move back to Israel, both of the choices bring great outcomes, but it's still a hard desition to make. O I'm still looking out the same window, watching the same clouds go by, and my heart is still rushing for love.
